


What I Owe You I'll Never Say

by Thiebes



Category: Black Sails
Genre: Aftermath of Betrayal, F/M, Loss, Love Confessions, M/M, Pining, Secrets, Unsent letters, contemplation of love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-15 12:21:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29683899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thiebes/pseuds/Thiebes
Summary: Madi finds a letter to Flint that never found its way home.
Relationships: Captain Flint | James McGraw/John Silver, Madi/John Silver (Black Sails)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 24





	What I Owe You I'll Never Say

Madi stares out of the window of the hut, out into the ocean. She can’t see him, but she imagines a spot on the horizon is John. She sighs deeply, willing her hands not to shake. Her anger had receded somewhat with time, and though it would never really be gone, it was enough that she could allow herself to feel the sadness growing in her heart. She had loved John with everything she had, in every way she knew how. 

But the ground beneath her had been shaken. Where now could she place her trust? Not in this man, who had held her and kissed her with a lie on his lips, whatever the reason. Is there such a thing as lying for love? Is not a lie in itself a betrayal of the very meaning of love? She didn’t know the answer to that. She had never had a husband before. 

A warm wind swept through the hut, caressing her face. She would never admit out loud, but she missed him. She felt his hands on her in the back of her mind, and bit down on how much she yearned for it. 

She turns away from the window, lest she let a tear break free from her eyelids. The wind only whispers louder. The clang of a wind chime rings out in the distance, and the flutter of paper in the bookshelf catches her eye. It is pressed between two books, loosened by the wind. She pulls it out. She recognizes the handwriting; it’ John’s. 

_James,_

_I guess I've been holding back because it does mean something to me. I don't know what it means, but there's this chasm opening up before me and no way to tell how deep it goes. And you're standing at the edge of it, asking me to drop down there with you. It's terrifying._

_Imagine all your life you've been struggling to get out of holes other people dig for you. They say you'll be safe there, but then they are gone and you're stuck._

_I know you've been down there in the darkness before. I know I've been wading into it by your side. But one day I'm going to wake up and you'll be just a puff of smoke._

_The words form in my mind, but when my jaw opens, something else comes out. I pull back at the last second, afraid that you'll glean the meaning from them and I'll be exposed to what the next step could be. And then when I leave you, the words bounce around in my head like a church bell._

_But I can see you hurt by it. My reluctance to voice what I'm feeling. Am I really feeling it? I can't tell. I've been pushing things down for so long that I can't stop myself from doing so. I'm running out of time before my actions ring false because I cannot put a voice to this. What are we? Does there have to be a name for it? Can we just stay here like this? It's so fragile here. At any moment I might break._

_I say it in all the roundabout ways. I never use those words, but I try to. Everything adjacent to the meaning. Actions that speak it better than a mouth can. Pared down to the essentials. Practical, philosophical. Don't you know? Can't you see it? I cannot give myself up to you, but you have to know what it means? What this feeling is but can never be said? It's easier for my lips to trace yours, to lean into your warmth._

_I think I didn't say it before because I thought it didn't match up with yours. As if it had to be the same. But you love me with the intensity of a waterfall, while I love you like the brush of waves on the beach. Its deep waters and hot springs, the trickle of rain or a hailstorm._

_I would think the words to myself when you weren't there. I would feel it ebbing in the background._

_I always felt that if I said it, it would upset the balance of something fragile. That I would reveal too much. Admission comes with expectations, the question of "what comes next?" That has the power to upend worlds . What will it mean, now that you know? We will have to make choices._

_I couldn't let myself need you, in the event that you would disappear, and I would be left here yearning._

_You bring clarity to the storms within me that previously had no name. Through you I understand myself more than I ever have. I feel how easy it would be to be swept up in you, but somehow it just feels like arriving at a truth I've already known…_

It isn’t signed. 

Madi looks up at the ceiling, the tears finally bursting their dam. Understanding her feelings for this man had never been easy. She knew, underneath it all, the capacity of a man who had, before he met them, never been truly loved. The depth of this man’s secrets that are not secrets at all. She couldn’t tell if the swell in her chest was relief, or if this simple truth, that he had loved, made everything more tragic. 


End file.
